So, it’s now 12:30 AM and I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep and I have a raging headache.
I want to preface this entire thing with the fact that I would not change one single thing about my life growing up. My mom (really my grandmother) is one of the best things that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t change being raised by her for anything in the world.
For those who really know me, the short story is, I found my mother on Facebook. Yes, my real mother.
For those who don’t know me (or don’t know the whole thing), here’s the story: I think I was about 5 years old and my mother and I were living with my grandmother (parents were divorced). One day, I was up in my mother’s room, looking out the window. I remember seeing her (my mother) walking out across the lawn and I believe she was on her way to work. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw her.
Fast forward a few years…I’m still living with my grandmother (who I started calling ‘mom’). I was getting ready to leave for dance class and the phone rings. I answer it and it turns out to be an administrator from some hospital (I don’t remember which one). This was the day I found out I had two half-brothers. The call was because there were some hospital bills that weren’t paid for and that was the contact number she gave. I remember hanging up the phone and just crying. I didn’t know why at the time. I think it may have been overwhelming at that age to find out that I had two half-brothers that I didn’t even know about.
Now, fast forward many years (to about two years ago). I was looking through pictures at my mom’s house and she says something like “Hold on a second. I guess I should give you these.”. It was pictures of one of my half brothers and another picture with him, their dog and my mother’s husband. I sat and cried. I was sad, hurt and jealous.
It’s funny. Even when you know you didn’t do anything wrong, you still wonder. Why did she leave me? Why did they get to be a family? Did the boys and her husband even know about me? (don’t laugh…my father’s 2 best friends didn’t know he had a daughter…I was about 17 at the time. Not exactly new to the world.) Man…no wonder I have abandonment issues. Two parents that left and wanted nothing to do with me.
So, tonight I was just messing around on Facebook. Looking up old friends, co-workers and family. I decided “What the hell. I’ll look her up.”. Very. First. Entry. Now, I don’t know what to do. Should I contact her? Should I just leave it alone?
I want to know why. And, honestly, I feel like I deserve an answer. I want to know my two half-brothers. Growing up, I wanted nothing more than a sibling and now here are two that I may never know. I’m afraid that if I contact her, she’ll want to be a part of my life now. I don’t know that I want that. I don’t know that I don’t want it. I’m afraid that she’ll want something. From what I’ve heard, she’s a taker, not a giver. And I have heard or seen nothing to contradict that. Basically, she’s a complete stranger to me.
So, that’s where I’m at. Tired, torn and a bad headache. This sucks.
