what’s in jenn’s head?

Preface: This wasn’t written for sympathy or pity. I just wanted to share my experience with a very real issue.

Not too long ago, someone I went to high school with posted a status complaining about social security paying disability for those with depression and anxiety. The way the status was worded disregarded the conditions as “real” problems. I read it and got angry. But I kept my mouth shut. Two weeks later, it’s still bothering me.

For ages, I had undiagnosed mild depression and anxiety. I was always able to deal with the depression on my own and, after a short amount of time, I would feel like myself again. I started noticing that the periods of depression would last longer and longer. Last year, it began spiraling out of control, which also intensified my anxiety.

When I started having chest pains (from the anxiety) I finally saw my doctor and he put me on anti-depressants. I also started seeing a therapist around the same time and she helped immensely.  It’s still a struggle each and every day and some days are harder than others.

I truly believe that if I did not work from home and didn’t get help when I did, I would have lost my job. I was already pretty close to seeing if I could go on medical leave to try and get myself together. Just to give you an idea, here is some of what I experienced:

It was absolutely a struggle to get out of bed every morning. And, I don’t mean “Just 5 more minutes, mom”. This is an I-never-want-to-get-out-of-bed-for-the-rest-of-my-life feeling and being dead serious about it. It doesn’t matter if you have a meeting at work or if the dog has to go out or you have a doctor’s appointment or the house is on fire.  You can not get out of bed.

I stopped doing things I love to do. My most favorite thing to do in the whole world is to take photographs. Just hearing the shutter click fills me with so much happiness it’s almost ridiculous. My therapist said I absolutely lit up when I talked about it. When my depression was at its worst, I couldn’t even pick up the camera. Whenever I did actually try, I felt like a fraud and a failure so I put it back down again.

The person who was always happy and smiling was missing. I was either crying or angry ALL the time.  Sometimes both and the mood could change in a split second. I didn’t even recognize myself at times and definitely didn’t feel like myself. I thank God that my husband, friends, and family all dealt with me and supported me at my worst.

Those are only a few of the things I experienced. While medication and therapy have helped me on the road back to being myself, there are people who are not that lucky. For many, medications don’t work or, even if they do work right now, there’s a chance that they’ll stop working in the future.

No matter how mild or severe depression gets, it’s a struggle. So many people go undiagnosed and never get help. I know many people who cover the spectrum and for some it’s taken years to find the right combination of therapies to begin healing.

If anything is learned from my post, I hope it’s this: Don’t automatically disregard something because you don’t understand it. It’s very possible that someone you know is quietly suffering.

Happy 2012! I stopped making resolutions a couple years ago because all I do set myself up for disappointment. But, now that we’re almost 1/4 of the way through January, I find myself thinking of things I want to do this year that will help me grow…aka: resolutions! So, what are they?

I want to run
In preparation for the zombie apocalypse in December of this year, I want to start running. Just kidding about the zombie apocalypse part. But I really do want to start running. For anyone who knows me, pick your jaw up off the floor. I don’t know why but over the last month or so, I’ve had a serious urge to try my hand at running. And I’m gonna do it. I even started looking up tips for beginners so I don’t injure or kill myself. Will I stick to it? Who knows. But I want to give it a try, especially since I feel my body is actually telling me to do it. And Daffy would make an excellent partner!

I want to eat healthier
No, I’m not going to diet. I want to change how I eat. Permanently. Does that mean I’m giving up all that is bad for me? Hell no! But, as I learned the last time I lost a lot of weight, the key is moderation. I didn’t deprive myself of anything but still managed to lose 20+ lbs. Unfortunately (and fortunately), when I quit smoking, I gained that back plus about 20 more.  So, I want to follow what worked for me last time, just a little healthier with more fruits and veggies. And I’ve already started by replacing my no-breakfast plan with a super healthy smoothie that I love and now can’t start my day without. It easily has 3-4 servings of fruits/veggies in it!

I want to go to yoga classes
Are you noticing a trend yet? I’ve actually been wanting to do this one for a while but have been having a hard time finding a class close enough to where I live without having to go into Philly. Everyone I know who has practiced yoga has loved it and benefited greatly from it.  In addition to the exercise, it’d be an excellent de-stresser and help me to focus. I finally found a class that’s not too far from me and seems pretty inexpensive. Now I just have to pick up the phone.

I want to get control of my anxiety
For those who don’t know me very well, I have really bad anxiety. It’s actually two different kinds: general anxiety and social anxiety. The first one’s not too bad anymore but the social anxiety is a little out of control. I’ve actually hidden from people I know that I see in stores. Now, that’s just sad. As my very close friends would tell you, it’s gotten a little better but, I definitely still need a lot of work. When I’m confronted with large groups of people, people I don’t know well, or strangers, I panic like there’s no tomorrow. All I want to do is vomit, run home, and cry. I’ve been trying to force myself to do things that put me in these situations so I can get better at them but it’s been difficult.

I want to photograph more
I simply LOVE photography. The sound of the shutter clicking on a camera sends chills through me. And, from what people tell me, I can be pretty good at it. But I still have a lot to learn and a lot of practicing to do. It’s also a great relaxation exercise for me. When I’m out taking photos, everything else is blocked out, even my own thoughts. I just focus on what I’m doing and nothing else. It’s one thing that makes me the happiest so I naturally want to keep improving on what I already learned!

So, for the most part, my overall resolution for 2012 is a revolution of me. I want to build a better and stronger me who does things that make me happy.

Did you make any resolutions for this year?

F is for feet!

So, last night I ventured to two stores I’ve never been to before: Charming Charlie and Sephora. Both were overwhelming for me for different reasons.

First, I went to Charming Charlie. This store is HUGE. For anyone not familiar with them, the store offers accessories (jewelry, handbags, scarves, etc.) in every imaginable color, shape and size. The store is set up by color — all of the purple is together in one area, all of the orange is together in another area and so forth.

I walked through the entire store before I found the holy grail…the clearance section! Everything in the store is actually very reasonably priced, even at regular prices. The most expensive thing I came across was a handbag for around $40.  Almost all of the items I bought were on clearance, with the exception of a ring I just couldn’t pass up and a necklace I just had to have. Overall, I spent a smidge over $25. Here’s what I got:

 

This is the ring I couldn't pass up. It was regularly priced at $7.97.

These earrings were on clearance for $4.97. I really like the little stars (that are hard to see in pic).

I love green and I love shell. I love them even more at $.75!

More green shell! This bracelet was $.50!

This cute as a bug necklace was $1.25.

I couldn't resist this necklace, which was also $7.97 at regular price.

I’d say that Charlie was definitely charming and I’ll absolutely go back any time I need something to go with that outfit I want to wear, or if I just need a little retail therapy without making my wallet run screaming from the mall.

Next I was off to Sephora.  I was scared, yes, scared, as I took that long walk to the other end of the mall.  I had no idea what to expect when I walked in and I was instantly overwhelmed. Out of my element, I wandered over to the Urban Decay section. Of course, they were out of everything I wanted. The one thing I wanted to try was their De-Slick Mattifying Powder. The helpful sales girl brought me what she assured was a comparable product at the same price.  The other item I wanted to at least look at and, dare I say, am lusting after is their Naked Palette eyeshadow collection.

After wandering around for a while, I ended up just purchasing one item, and spending more than I did at Charming Charlie! Here’s what I got for my $34.24:

The Laura Mercier powder was $32 and the free sample of their mascara helped ease the sting a tiny bit.

Overall, I enjoyed my shopping adventure last night and will definitely be visiting both stores again. One maybe not as often as the other!

Now I’m off to run around like a crazy person and stock up on milk, bread and eggs so I can make french toast for Irene!

Ok, so, I cheated a little.  I just took this picture this morning but, I still took one! This is from the woods next to our apartment.

Next week’s theme: Planning.